Lord, Please Take Me as I am - Christy Epp
“My cup and my heart are dry. Lord, please take me as I am.”
I turned 40 last year! I took a celebratory trip to Florida with some dear friends and looked ahead to this next decade with renewed hope and, dare I say, timid dreams. The 30’s had felt so full of challenges and general daily plodding. I had sometimes been so exhausted from raising young children, numerous international moves, ‘starting overs’, financial strain, health concerns in myself and family, and disappointed dreams. Sitting on the beach by the ocean, I wrote in my diary, “Here we go 40’s! I’m so ready for you!” And then…. 2020 began and you all know the rest of the story!
My heart has never felt so dry! Beyond the general upset of COVID, we experienced repeated personal and family heartaches that climaxed with the passing of my beloved mother. How can she be gone? I really won’t ever hear her voice again while on this side of Heaven? My simple human brain has struggled to register what has happened, and somedays it can all feel like a fog. At times, it has seemed as though I were a boxer, knocked to the ground, reaching to tap out… and yet the blows still come.
“My cup and my heart are dry! Lord, take me as I am.”
In all faith traditions, there are those ‘mantras’ that are so immersed in the beliefs of the community that you are certain they are straight from the Bible. For my conservative, Mennonite, farming upbringing, it went something like, “God helps those who help themselves.” That MUST be found in Matthew somewhere? Or is it Mark? John? But, what is the hope for me when I can’t help myself? When you strain to get back up to brush yourself off? When your cup is so dry?
“I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry…”
The Lord has repeatedly highlighted Psalm 40 to me. Within these verses, I find the many states of my own soul. David praises the wonders of the Lord with one breath (v. 5), and with the next he declares his poor and needy heart (v. 17) that is surrounded by trouble and overcome by sin (v. 12).
“Well, God helps those who help themselves…….. right?”
The beauty and power of the Gospel is that God helps those who could not help themselves. He reached His hand of holy grace down to rescue broken people while they were still sinners.
He turned to me.
He heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the mud.
He set me on a rock.
He gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth. v. 2-3
Within these verses in Psalm 40, we see a lot of what HE does to rescue us from the pit. I sure don’t see a lot about picking myself up again. But, isn’t that the good news? HE does it! So, until I find my old beliefs and mantras hidden somewhere in the pages of scripture, I’m going to place my hope and trust in the One who says He will do it. It seems He will shine His light on my empty bowl and dry heart after all!